Author: Sanger (Tom Hodge)


      E5
Hello
                     B5
Welcome to my show
                        D5       D5
I'm glad that you could come
      A5
We're gonna have a hoot
      D5          B5 E5
We're gonna have some fun

[notes ? A5 B5 D5 G5 B5 D5 ]

          E5
Sit back
                             E5
Put your feet up and relax
                             D5    D5
I hope you've had a drink or three
    A5
The more you've drunk
    D5           B5 E5
The better I?ll ever be

    A5
And if you have a mobile phone
    A5
Please turn it off
    E5
Thank you

    A5
And if you have Tourette's syndrome
    A5                            E5
Just do whatever it is you people do

    F#5                          A5
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
E5                A5     B5   E5
Maybe you should chuff off home
         A5                    E5
Cos it's only gonna get worse
A5                    E5
Only gonna get worse
A5
Only gonna get worse
         E5
From now on?????c**t

[notes ? E5 F#5 G#5 ]

A5
My name is Tim
D5             A5
I write funny songs and sing
A5                      B5               E5
And if you don't think funny songs are funny
     A5
Well I respect your right
   D5             A5
To think exactly what you like
           A5                E5                A5
But you're sure as shit not getting back your money


    D5                        A5        E5       F#5   F#5
And if you write for a newspaper I'd just like to say
       D5              D5  A5     E5    F#5   F#5
That I read your publication every single day
    D5          B?       C#5             F#5
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
                        D5                         B?/D5
I think you're the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
A5              G5            D5   D5
Writing on the subject of the arts
D5
But if you write a bad review
  B?/D5
I promise you I'll come round to your house
A5       G5               D5           B5
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
         B5
I'll lay turds!
            C5
In all your plants!
            C#5
Your indoor plants!

Your potted indoor plants!

      F#5
Hello
                  C#
Welcome to my show
                       E5
I'm glad you all could come
     B5                 E5       C#   F#5
It's time for a little audience participation
      F#5
Sing, "Yeah!"      (Yeah!)
      E5
Sing, "Yeah!"      (Yeah!)
      B5
Sing, "Yeah yeah yeah!"   (Yeah yeah yeah!)
      F#5
Sing, "Ooo yeah!"   (Ooo yeah!)
      F#5
Sing, "I am an audience member!"      (I am an audience member!)
E5
"Why are you making me sing?"      (Why are you making me sing?)
B5
"You self indulgent wanker!"      (You self indulgent wanker!)
      F#5
"Just get on with the fucking show!"   (Just get on with the fucking show!)

......