F B Fm7? Bm7 e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- | B | --1-- B | --3-- B | --1-- B | --2-- | G | --2-- G | --3-- G | --1-- G | --1-- | D | --3-- D | --3-- D | --1-- D | --3-- | A--3-- A--1-- A--3-- A--1-- | e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- | E | -13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-8h10p8- | ------------- | B | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | --10--------- | G | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | -----10------ | D | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | A | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | E | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | F5 F5 Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the F5 F5 stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the F5 F5 street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then F5 F5 F5 F5 life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course F5 F5 F5 F5 for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me F5 F5 F5 F5 a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of F5 F5 sauerkraut! E | -13------------ | B | ---13p10------- | G | --------10----- | F F F F F D | --------------- | Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to A | --------------- | E | --------------- | F5 F5 my mom , I said, ?Hey mom , what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear F5 F5 F5 F5 sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. F5 F5 F5 F5 And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!? B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 and force | -fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half F5 F5 years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of F5 F5 F5 that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is B5 F5 always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are B5 F5 B5 oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all F5 B5 day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t F5 F5 F5 F5 long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local F5 F5 radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number F5 F5 F5 F5 of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won F5 F5 the grand prize. That?s right a first class one | -way ticket, to F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never F5 F5 been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great. F5 F5 F5 F5 Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with F5 F5 excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept F5 F5 throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper F5 F5 F5 F5 and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore. F5 And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a B5 F5 tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant B5 F5 F5 fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my B5 F5 B5 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my F5 B5 F5 B5 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my F5 B5 F5 B5 train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha F5 F5 F5 F5 ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I F5 F5 crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big F5 B5 F5 leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my B5 F5 B5 twelve | -pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday F5 F5 F5 Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup F5 F5 right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I F5 B5 F5 checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro B5 F5 vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow B5 F5 that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door. F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it?? F5 There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I F5 go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat F5 F5 F5 hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh F5 F5 F5 B5 man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has F5 F5 F5 been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give F5 F5 F5 F5 it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my B5 F5 F5 eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation F5 F5 yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the F5 F5 F5 F5 phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a F5 F5 familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 F5 F5 need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial F5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well F5 F5 F5 to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn F5 F5 vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an F5 F5 F5 F5 instant until the one | -nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I F5 F5 B5 B5 decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut F5 B5 F5 shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah, wadaya want?? E | -13--------11--------------11131618------------------1113- | it ain't per-- | B | -------------1311--------13--------1816----------1113--------------------- | fect but it'l G | -----------------1311------------------171513--13------------------------- | give you some D | ---------------------1310--------------------15--------------------------- | thing to do A | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | till you fig E | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ure it out F5 F5 F5 F5 I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of F5 F5 F5 F5 glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa F5 F5 were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled F5 F5 F5 F5 donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I F5 F5 said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of F5 F5 F5 F5 cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa F5 F5 were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said, ?wait a minute, I?ll go check. E | ------------------------------------------------16-16-18-16-18-18b- | B | -18v----------------------------------------1(b9)1(b9)18--------------- | G | ------------------------------1(b9)1(b9)21-1(b9)21-21-------------------- | D | -----15v---------1(b9)1(b9)21-1(b9)21-21--------------------------------- | A | ---------19h20h21--21---------------------------------------------- | E | ------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | -18-16-16------------------- | B | --------18-16-16------------ | G | -------------18-18-15-15---- | D | ---------------------18-18-- | A | -------------------------15- | E | ---------------------------- | F5 F5 F5 Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case F5 F5 F5 F5 what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one e | -24b\- | B | ------ | dozen starving crazed weasels.?G------ | I said, ?OK I?ll take that.? So he D | ------ | A | ------ | E | ------ | F5 B5 F5 hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they B5 F5 immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi F5 F5 F5 F5 yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You F5 FF5 know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin? B5 BB5 F5 FF5 B5 BB5 through my head. I believe it went a little something like this. F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 ?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh F5 F5 F5 F5 eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just F5 F5 runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck F5 F5 F5 F5 would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her F5 F5 name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite F5 F5 F5 F5 and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first F5 F5 F5 thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.? F5 F5 That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we F5 F5 F5 F5 ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint- F5 F5 F5 flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and B5 F5 B5 we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and F5 F5 F5 Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie | -pumpkin, do you want to join F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 F5 B5 the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m F5 B5 F5 just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A - F5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! E | -16-16-16---16-16-16---16------16b16b17b17b17b18b18b-16-13----------- | B | -18-------18---18----18--18-18-18--------------------------16-------- | G | --------------------------------------------------------------14----- | D | -----------------------------------------------------------------15-- | A | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | ----------------------------------------20p18p16p11- | B | ----------------------------------18-16------------- | G | -17-15----18-18-18-16----1(b9)17---------------------- | D | ------17-------------16-------17-------------------- | A | ---------------------------------------------------- | E | ---------------------------------------------------- | F5 F5 Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week F5 F5 F5 F5 later I finally achieved my life | -long dream. That?s right I got me a part F5 F5 time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee | -of-the | -month after I put F5 F5 out that grease | -fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me F5 F5 F5 F5 after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in F5 F5 F5 F5 the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when F5 F5 I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by F5 F5 himself. So I-I say to him , I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with F5 F5 F5 F5 that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut F5 F5 B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all B5 B5 B5 B5 F5 F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 B5 B5 indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well F5 F5 F5 that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader F5 F5 for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso E | -20-16-18-17-14-16---------------------------------------- | B | -------------------20-16-18-17-13-15---------------------- | F F G | -------------------------------------1(b9)15-17-17-13-15---- | Boy?. D | -------------------------------------------------------15- | So A | ---------------------------------------------------------- | E | ---------------------------------------------------------- | what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing F5 F5 F5 F5 anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had F5 F5 a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I F5 F5 F5 F5 took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming B5 and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he F5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH! F5 B5 F5 F5 OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation, F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s F5 F5 a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to F5 B5 F5 B5 make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by F5 B5 the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an F5 B5 F5 B5 exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the F5 B5 F5 pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even B5 F5 take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this B5 F5 B5 F5 B5 crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 B5 F5 B5 A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque, F5 B5 F5 B5 F5 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B5 F5 B5 F5 B5 F5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE! F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 B5 B5 F5 F5 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B5 B5 F5 Albuquerque, Albuquerque, E | -13-13-11-18-16-13-11-13-11/8-6-8-6-4-------1-1-1-1- | B | --------------------------------------1-----1-1-1-1- | G | ----------------------------------------3---2-2-2-2- | D | ------------------------------------------1/3-3-3-3- | (drum solo) A | --------------------------------------------3-3-3-3- | E | --------------------------------------------1-1-1-1- |