E5   A5                 E5           A5                         E5
  I fancy I'll open a stationers, stock quaint notepads for weekend pagans
A5                         E5                   B5                        E5
While you were out at the Rollright stones, I came and set fire to your shed

         E5
'Cos you probably work at an all night garage
    A5                   E5
You probably work at an all night garage
                                              B5         E5
You probably work at an all night garage with talk radio on.

And you curse my soul if I don't want petrol
A5                   E5
Curse my soul 'cos I don't want petrol
                                         B5             E5
I only came down for a tube of Pringles, sour cream and chives.

E5
And because you've got to get up off your fat arse to go and get my crisps
And you've got to go 'round the counter and it's really inconvenient
And when you come back you toss them into that sliding metal tray device
Thing that separates us, and you say "one pound thirty five".
As opposed to "that'll be one pound thirty five please sir"
This is of course done to annoy me but has the opposite effect
Of amusing me no end, because suddenly I've got other things to buy.

E5
I'll have two scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite
A5                     E5
Two scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite
                                     B5                        E5
Two scotch eggs and a jar of Marmite, what sandwiches have you got?

E5
Well now you become quite irate and your voice becomes louder

And you start to sound like Leadbelly at the depot.

I got ham. I got cheese, I got chicken, I got beef

I got tuna sweetcorn, I've got tuna sweetcorn.

E5
I'll have ten Kit-Kat's and a motoring atlas
A5                   E5
Ten Kit-Kat's and a motoring atlas
                                     B5                 E5
And a blue CD on the Hallmark label - that's sure to be good.

(instr.) E5 A5 E5 ,  E5 B5 E5 :  E5 A5 E5 ,  E5 B5 E5
E5                                               B5                   E5
Oh he went to play golf of a Sunday morn just a mile and a half from town
                                                B5                  E5
His head was found on the driving range and his body has never been found.