ASSHOLE
by Dennis Leary
Album: No Cure For Cancer
(comedy album)
E|-----2-2-2-2-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-|
B|-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-----3-3-3-3-|
G|-2---2-2-2-2-----2-2-2-2-----0-0-0-0-----0-0-0-0-|
D|-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-0---0-0-0-0-|
A|-------------3-----------2-----------1-----------|
E|-------------------------------------------------|
1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 & 1 & 2 & 3 &
[Spoken]
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me.
About you. About the way our American hearts beat way down in the
bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in the
cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon--we don't know.
I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real ***ing asshole)
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BRIDGE: [Now the chords change]
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Em A
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Em A
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Em A
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
A G F# E
Naaaah!
[BACK TO CHORD PROGRESSION]
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac
Eldorado convertible--hot pink with whaleskin hubcaps and all leather
cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And
I'm gonna drive around in that baby at a 115 miles per hour, getting
one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter-pounder cheeseburgers from
McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam
containers, and when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers,
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the american flag and then I'm gonna toss
the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a god***ed
thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs,
that's why. Two words--Nuclear ***ing weapons, okay? Russia, Germany,
Romania--they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a
big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs,
okay? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen. And as soon as we find the
cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty
pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well,
multiply that by fifteen million times, that's how pissed off the
Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes and Lee
Marvin...
(Hey)
and Sam Peckinpah...
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey, and drive down to Texas...
(You know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody!
A-S-S-H-O-L-E
[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum [something like that :)]
Oooh Oooh
[Spoken]
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it.
TAB FOR FINAL D CHORD:
E|-2--3--2--0--2--|
B|-3-----------3--|
G|-2-----------2--|
D|-0-----------0--|
A|----------------|
E|----------------|
