Am                           E
My landlady had three lovely daughters.
       E                               Am
They used to come and make my bed each day
     Am                               E
They used to come and clean my living quarters,
          E                                  Am
But their mother made quite sure they didn't stay.
          F
There was Mary: she seemed chary;
          C                                E
There was Helen: she seemed well and truly sceptical 
              Am
about my qualities;
          F                         C
There was Julie: she was truly well-proportioned, but her 
                E                       Am
Caution Brought exhaustion on my aching arteries.



          Am                           E
But I was wrong: they weren't at all impervious
       E                        Am 
To the possibilities of high romance -
      Am                       E
And I sensed a certain girlish nerviness
       E                         Am
In the way they folded my pyjama pants.
          F                                     
And I was right, for late one night
             C
Sweet little Mary, like a fairy,
         E                               Am
As I lay sleeping, came a-creeping to my side.
        F                                 C
She was mine: it was divine - but we were doomed, for very soon
         E                               Am
Into the room came sister Helen, and she cried:

  A          D     E        A
"Mary, go to bed!" Off Mary went.
      A                 D      E              A
"Now, young man," Helen said, "for your punishment,
  A                D         E              A
"We mustn't have a fight, we mustn't make a row:
  A           D       E            Am
"Turn off the light - it's my turn now!"


      Am                                  E
Well, after all, I'm young and relatively vigorous,
    E                         Am
And though I still protest my innocence,
   Am                            E
By temperament I'm strictly un-polygamous,
         E                        Am
And if I sinned, I sinned in self-defence.
        F                             C
Nevertheless I must confess I wouldn't miss that 
        E                                      Am
sort of bliss And when it ended I was rendered comatose.
      F                                C
When, loud and clear, very near, in my ear a loud 
                 E                         Am        
voice spoke  And I was awoken from my post-coital doze.

  A           D     E           A
"Helen, go to bed!" Helen went away.
      A                 D       E               A
"Now, young man," Julie said, "you will have to pay!
A                D          E                A
"You've blighted Helen's charms, filched her purity.
A        D       E            Am
"Open up your arms - come and filch me!"

      Am                        E
I was amazed, and really rather tired;
  E                                  Am               
I thought I'd given all that I could give.
    Am                         E
A little kip was all that I desired,
        E                            Am
But I'm British, so my upper lip was stiff.
        F                       C       
She was chaotic, idiotic, quite exotic and ecstatic,
    E                      Am
Acrobatic and emphatically fine.
       F                                 C
All to no good, for when I could open my eyes, to my 
           E                             Am
surprise I found her mother looking into mine.


  A           D     E              A
"Julie, go to bed!" Julie left the scene.
     A              D        E            A
"Now listen, Ma," I said, "I know the old routine.
A                 D            E       A
"I'll do what you like, but I shall be vexed
          A                 D         E         Am
"And I'll bloody well go on strike if Grandma's next!"