From: celemon@email.unc.edu (Angela Reid) **SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE** Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still but he told us where we stand And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear Claude Rains was the invisible man Then something went wrong For Fay Wray and King Kong They got caught in a celluloid jam Then at a deadly pace It came from outer space And this is how the message ran: CHORUS Science Fiction--double feature Dr. X will build a creature See Androids fighting Brad and Janet Anne Francis stars in _Forbidden Planet_ Oh--at the late night, double-feature Picture show. I knew Leo G. Carroll Was over a barrel when tarantula took to the hills And I really got hot When I saw Jeanette Scott fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills Dana Andrews said prunes gave him the runes and passing them used lots of skills And when worlds collide said George Pal to his bride I'm going to give you some terrible thrills Like a: chorus By RKO oh ho ho. To the late night, double feature picture show In the back row. To the late night, double feature Picture show. **DAMMIT, JANET** BRAD: Hey, Janet. I've got something to say. I really loved the--skillful way You beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet. The river was deep but I swam it (RIFF & MAGENTA THROUT) Janet The future is ours so let's plan it Janet So please don't tell me to can it. Janet I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you. Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker There's three ways that love can grow. That's good bad or mediocre. Oh--J A N E T, I love you so. JANET: Oh! It's nicer than Betty Munroe Had (MAG. & COL. THROUT) Oh Brad Now we're engaged and I'm so glad Oh Brad That you've met Mom and you know Dad Oh Brad I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad for you too. BRAD: Dammit JANET: I'm mad. . . . BRAD: Oh, Janet JANET: For you. BRAD: I love you tooo-oo BRAD & JANET: There's one thing left to do BRAD: And that's go see the man who began it Janet When we met in his science exam--it Janet Made me give you the eye and then panic Janet I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you. Dammit, Janet JANET: Oh Brad, I'm mad. BRAD: Dammit, Janet BOTH: I love you. **OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE** JANET: In the velvet darkness Of the blackest night Burning bright--there's a guiding star No matter what or who you are. CHORUS: BRAD & JANET: There's a light VOICES: Over at the Frankenstein place. BRAD: There's a light VOICES: Burning in the fireplace. JANET: There's a light, a light in the darkness of everybody's life. RIFF: Darkness must go Down the river of night's dreaming Flow morphia slow let the sun and light Come streaming into my life Into my life. CHORUS **TIME WARP** RIFF: It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll. But listen closely MAGENTA: Not for very much longer. RIFF: I've got to keep control. I remember doing the Time Warp Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me And the void would be calling GUEST: Let's do the Time Warp again. CHORUS: It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane. Let's do the Time Warp again. Let's do the Time Warp again. MAGENTA: It's so dreamy--Oh, Fantasy free me So you can't see me--no, not at all In another dimension--with voyeuristic intention. Well secluded I see all. RIFF: With a bit of a mind flip MAGENTA: You're in for a time slip RIFF: And nothing can ever be the same MAGENTA: You're spaced out on sensation RIFF: Like you're under sedation GUESTS: Let's do the Time Warp again. Let's do the Time Warp again. COLUMBIA: Well, I was walking down the street Just having a think when a snake of a guy Gave me an evil wink Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise He had a pick-up truck and the devil's eyes He stared at me and I felt a change Time meant nothing--never would again. GUESTS: Let's do the Time Warp again. Let's do the Time Warp again. CHORUS **SWEET TRANSVESTITE** FRANK: How d' you do I see you've met my faithful handyman He's a little brought down Because when you knocked He thought you were the candyman Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book by its cover I'm not much of a man By the light of day but by night I'm one hell of a lover I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transexual Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound You look like you're both pretty groovy Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie BRAD: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. JANET: Right! BRAD: We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car. We don't want to be any worry. FRANK: Well you got caught with a flat. Well, how about that. Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem alright, I'll get you a satanic mechanic. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual Transylvania. Ha ha. Why don'tcha stay for the night? RIFF: Night. FRANK: Or maybe a bite. COLUMBIA: Bite. FRANK: I could show you my favorite obsession I've been making a man with blonde hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my tension I'm just a sweet tranvestite from Transexual Transylvania. I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual Transylvania. So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab I see you shiver with antici. . . pation But maybe the rain isn't really to blame so I'll remove the cause-- but not the symptom. **SWORD OF DAMOCLES** ROCKY: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread Oh, woe is me--my life is a misery Oh can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. GUESTS: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: And left from my dreaming was a feeling Of unnamable dread. GUESTS: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: My high is low--I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. GUESTS: Sha la la la that ain't no crime ROCKY: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head (That ain't no crime) And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread (That ain't no crime) Oh, woe is me--my life is a mystery Oh can't you see that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. GUESTS: Sha la la la that ain't no crime **CHARLES ATLAS SONG** FRANK: A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds Will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground And soon in the gym with a determined chin The sweat from his pores As he works for his cause Will make him glisten and gleam And with massage and just a little bit of steam He'll be pink and quite clean He'll be a strong man Oh, honey-- GUESTS: But the wrong man. FRANK: He'll eat nutritious, high protein And swallow raw eggs Try to build up his shoulders His chest, arms and legs Such an effort If he only knew of my plan. In just seven days GUESTS, FRANK, RIFF, COLUMBIA, MAGENTA: I can make you a man. FRANK: He'll do press-ups and chin-ups Do the snatch, clean and jerk. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. Such strenuous living I just don't understand. When in just seven days--oh baby I can make you a man. **WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT** EDDIE: Whatever happened to Saturday night When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right. It don't seem the same since cosmic light came into my life and I thought I was divine. I used to for a ride with a chick who'd go And listen to the music on the radio A saxaphone was blowing on a rock and roll show And we climbed in the back seat And we really had a good time CHORUS (ALL): Hot patootie bless my soul I really love that rock and roll EDDIE: My head used to swim From the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt. And she whispered in my ear tonight she really was mine. Get back in front and put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song with your arm around your girl you tried to sing along; it felt pretty good, whoo--really had a good time CHORUS **CHARLES ATLAS SONG REPRISE** FRANK: But a deltoid and a bicep A hot groin a tricep Makes me--oooh--shake. Make me want to take Charles Atlas by the hand. ALL: In just seven days--oh baby I can make you a man. FRANK: I don't want no dissension Just dynamic tension JANET: I'm a muscle fan. ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. FRANK: Dig it if you can. ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man. **TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME** JANET: I was feeling done in Couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before. COLUMBIA: You mean she-- MAGENTA: Uh huh. JANET: I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting It only leads to trouble And seat wetting. Now all I want to know is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more. COL & MAG: More, more, more! JANET: I'll put up no resistance I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance CHORUS: JANET: Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me I want to be dirty. Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night. Then if anything grows While you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down. COL & MAG: Down, down, down. JANET: And that's just one small fraction Of the main attraction You need a friendly hand Oh, and I need action. CHORUS **EDDIE'S TEDDY** DR. SCOTT: From the day he was born, he was trouble. He was the thorn in his mutter's side She tried in vain. NARRATOR: But he never caused her nothing but shame. SCOTT: He left home the day she died. From the day she was gone All he wanted was rock and roll, porn, und a motor bike Shooting up junk. NARR: He was a low-down, cheap little punk. SCOTT: Taking everyone for a ride. CHORUS ALL: When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy You knew he was a no good kid When he threatened your life with a switch blade knife-- FRANK: What a guy. JANET: Makes you cry. SCOTT: Und I did. COLUMBIA: Everybody shoved him I very nearly loved him. I said, "Hey, listen to me. Stay sane inside insanity." But he locked the door and threw away the key. SCOTT: But he must have been drawn Into something. Making him warn me in a note which reads ALL: What's it say? What's it say? EDDIE: I'm out of my head. Oh, hurry or I may be dead. They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. CHORUS **PLANET SHMANET JANET** FRANK: I'll tell you once I won't tell you twice You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. Your apple pie Don't taste too nice. You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. I've laid the seed it should be all you need you're as sensual as a pencil Wound up like an 'E' or first string When we made it Did ya hear a bell ring? Y' got a block Take my advice You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. The transducer will seduce yah. It's something you'll get used to A mental mind-fuck can be nice. SCOTT: You won't find earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer--it is, I suppose, some kind of audiovibratory, physiomolecular transport device... BRAD: You mean. . . SCOTT: Yes, Brad. It's something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a way of perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space, and--who knows--perhaps even time itself. JANET: You mean he's gonna send us to another planet? FRANK: Planet, shmanet Janet! You'd better wise up--Janet Weiss You'd better wise up Build your thighs up. You'd better wise up NARR: And then she cried out-- JANET: Stop!! FRANK: Don't get hot and flustered. Use a bit of mustard. BRAD: You're a hot dog But you'd better not try to hurt her Frank Furter. SCOTT: You're a hot dog But you'd better not try to hurt her Frank Furter. JANET: You're a hot dog. . . . **ROSE TINT MY WORLD** COLUMBIA: It was great when it all began I was a regular Frankie fan But it was over when he had the plan to start working on a muscle-man Now the only thing that gives me hope is my love of a certain dope Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. ROCKY: I'm just seven hours old. Truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told my libido hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to trust is an orgasmic rush of lust Rose tings my world keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. BRAD: It's beyond me Help me, mommy. I'll be good, you'll see. Take this dream away. What's this, let's see I feel sexy. What's come over me. Whoa-- here it comes again. JANET: Oh I--I feel released Bad times deceased My confidence has increased Reality is here The game has been disbanded My mind has been expanded It's a gas that Frankie's landed His lust is so sincere. FRANK: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? That delicate satin-draped frame. As it clung to her thigh How I started to cry 'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. Give yourself over to absolute pleasure Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh Erotic nightmares beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to treasure forever-- Can't you just see it--oh oh ho. Don't dream it. Be it. Don't dream it. Be it. SCOTT: We've got to get out of this trap Before this decadence saps our wills. I've got to be strong and try to hang on. Or else my mind may well snapp And my life will be lived for the thrill. BRAD: It's beyond me. Help me, Mommy. JANET: God bless Lili St. Cyr. FRANK: My my my my my my my my I'm a wild and an untamed thing I'm a bee with a deadly sting You gotta hit and your mind goes ping Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on We're gonna shake it till the life has gone Rose tint my world Keep me safe from my trouble and pain. **I'M GOING HOME** FRANK: On the day I went away GUEST: Good-bye FRANK: Was all I had to say GUESTS: Now I . . . I FRANK: I want to come again and stay GUESTS: Oh my, my FRANK: Smile and that will mean I may I've seen--oh--blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize I'm going home. GUESTS: I'm going home. FRANK: Everywhere it's been the same GUESTS: Feeling FRANK: Like I'm outside in the rain. GUESTS: Wheeling FRANK: Free to try and find a game GUESTS: Dealing FRANK: Cards for sorrow, cards for pain 'Cause I've seen blue skies through the tears in my eyes And I realize--I'm going home. **SUPER HEROES** BRAD: I've done a lot God knows I've tried To find the truth I've even lied But all I know is down inside ALL: I'm bleeding. JANET: And superheroes Come to feast To taste the flesh Not yet deceased And all I know Is still the beast ALL: is feeding. NARRATOR: And crawling on the planet's face Some insects called the human race Lost in time And lost in space ALL: and meaning. **SCIENCE FICTION (REPRISE)** Science fiction--double feature Frank has built and lost his creature Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet the servants gone to a distant planet. At the late night double feature picture show. I wanna go. To the late night double-feature picture show.
