This is an interpretation from the live version he did in his video Gay.
For the best timing and to check out the strumming patterns check out the video, the 
song starts at around 1:53.

(C)- play C once
[C]- palm mute C

[C]                          F
I'm in love with my right hand
    C
Ohh yeah
[C]                                             F
He is always there, when i need a 5 minute friend
    C          (G)
Ohh yeah

                        Am
And i can speed myself up
               F
Slow myself down
                   (C)(C)  (G)(G)(C)(C)
As long as there's no one else a-round
          Am                F
It's just me and my adult DVD

(power chords)

[Ab]                            [G]
And i can freeze the frame at my favorite part
   [Ab]                       [G]
And pretend the the actress is here
     [Ab]                [A#]        [Ab]       C(bar on 8th)
I can pretend that Mandy Mammaries is here with me

Then repeat

The rest of the lyrics

I like to call myself up on the phone tell me how pretty I look today. Cause I know I'm 
a sure thing.
I buy myself a dozen roses, open a bottle of wine, and turn the light down low, and then 
I start to do my thing.

 And I can talk to myself in a deep sexy voice, or I can let out an animal noise (meow)
cause it's just me, I got my privacy.

And I can stop right before I explode, or let it go and wait 'til I reload, but either 
way I'm gonna love me all night long.

 I catch myself in the mirror, I say god damn I like what I see, I can't have another 
girlfriend, cause that would just be cheating on me...