Turnpike Tom
Steve Goodman
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First time I met old Turnpike Tom
Sittin' in a diner in Bloomington
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He said "Are you going my way?"
He had a sleeping bag and his hat was torn
And both his thumbs were two feet long
From years of hitchin' on the hi-way
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He said "Mister, won't you give me a ride
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I'm a wanted man lookin' for a place to hide"
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Oh, we finished the coffee and we got in the car
We drove off and hadn't gone far
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When Tom began to tell me his sad story...
He said "Long around 1942
Buddy, I robbed a bank in Kalamazoo
Just to get enough money to marry my true darlin'
But she died when she heard what I had done
And ever since I've been on the run
Standing on the hi-ways a callin'
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A callin' mister won't you give me a ride
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I'm a wanted man lookin' for a place to hide"
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Said "Now I'm gettin' old and ready to die
Too tired to run and too sick to try
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And soon I'll be hitchin' upstairs in the skyway..."

[spoken]
Oh, play that again...

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He said "I can't pay you for the ride
Just once before I die
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I'd like to do somebody a favor"
And out of his pocket came a rusty old key
Along with a map and he give 'em to me
And said "Here's an end to all your labor"
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"Way down in Greensboro, Tennessee
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In the back of Rusty's Roadside Cabaret
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There's 20,000 in unmarked green
The money I stole that's in the machine
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That hangs on the wall in Rusty's Roadside men's room"

So, three nights later at Rusty's door
I had a beer and then I had one more
Then I headed for the treasure
Just like old Turnpike Tom had said
The machine was under a sign which read
Sanitary 3-for-a-quarter
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So I took out the key and I broke the lock
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There to my bewilderment and shock
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I found a sign which read "You've just been had
In a sanitary way by Turnpike Tom
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The outlaw with the fastest sense of humor"
And if you meet someone with a troubled mind
Well, just give him the key and feed him the line
And tell him his days will soon be better
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Yes, and mister, you've been taken for a ride
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There ain't nothin' but fools gold here inside
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Oh, the real gold, that's inside us all
Remember that you only fall for
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Lies and stories when you really want to