F B Fm7? Bm7 e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- | B | --1-- B | --3-- B | --1-- B | --2-- | G | --2-- G | --3-- G | --1-- G | --1-- | D | --3-- D | --3-- D | --1-- D | --3-- | A--3-- A--1-- A--3-- A--1-- | e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- e | --1-- | E | -13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-13-8h10p8- | ------------- | B | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | --10--------- | G | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | -----10------ | D | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | A | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | E | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | ------------- | F F Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the F F stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the F F street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You know the place? Well anyway, back then F F F F life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy? except of course F F F F for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me F F F F a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of F F sauerkraut! E | -13------------ | B | ---13p10------- | G | --------10----- | F F F F F D | --------------- | Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to A | --------------- | E | --------------- | F F my mom , I said, ?Hey mom , what?s up with all the sauerkraut?? And my dear F F F F sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. F F F F And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, ?It?s good for you!? B B B B F F F F B B B And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth B F F F F B B B B F F and force | -fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half F F years old. That?s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of F F F that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is B F always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are B F B oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele?s all F B day long and anyone on the street?ll gladly shave you?re back for a F B B B B F nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn?t F F F F long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local F F radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number F F F F of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s butt. I was off by three but I still won F F the grand prize. That?s right a first class one | -way ticket, to F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F F Fm7 B Bm7 F B A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never F F been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great. F F F F Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with F F excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept F F throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper F F F F and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore. F And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a B F tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant B F F fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ?Cause I had my B F B train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my F B F B train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my F B F B train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha F F F F ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I F F crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big F B F leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my B F B twelve | -pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark F B B B B snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous ?Albuquerque Holiday F F F Inn?, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you?re soup F F right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I F B F checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro B F vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow B F that I love so very very much when suddenly there?s a knock on the door. F F F F F Well now who could that be? I say, ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is it?? F There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? They?re not saying anything, so finally I F go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it?s some big fat F F F hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull?s haircut and only one nostril. Oh F F F B man I hate it when I?m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, you can?t have that! That snorkel has F F F been just like a snorkel to me.? And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like ?give F F F F it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg and B B F F B he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my B F F eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation F F yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the F F F F phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a F F familiar voice, and you know what it said, I?ll tell you what it said, it F F B B B F F B B F said, ?if you?d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you F B B F B F F need help hang up and then dial you?re operator. If you?d like to make a B B B F F B F F B B call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F F Fm7 B Bm7 F you?re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well F F F to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn F F vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an F F F F instant until the one | -nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I F F B B decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut F B F shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says ?yah, wadaya want?? E | -13--------11--------------11131618------------------1113- | it ain't per-- | B | -------------1311--------13--------1816----------1113--------------------- | fect but it'l G | -----------------1311------------------171513--13------------------------- | give you some D | ---------------------1310--------------------15--------------------------- | thing to do A | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | till you fig E | -------------------------------------------------------------------------- | ure it out F F F F I said, ? you got any glazed donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of F F F F glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you got any jelly donuts?? He said, ?naaa F F were all out of jelly donuts.? I said, ?you got any Bavarian cream-filled F F F F donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.? I F F said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? He said, ?naaa were all out of F F F F cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa F F were out of apple fritters.? I said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He said, ?wait a minute, I?ll go check. E | ------------------------------------------------16-16-18-16-18-18b- | B | -18v----------------------------------------1(b9)1(b9)18--------------- | G | ------------------------------1(b9)1(b9)21-1(b9)21-21-------------------- | D | -----15v---------1(b9)1(b9)21-1(b9)21-21--------------------------------- | A | ---------19h20h21--21---------------------------------------------- | E | ------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | -18-16-16------------------- | B | --------18-16-16------------ | G | -------------18-18-15-15---- | D | ---------------------18-18-- | A | -------------------------15- | E | ---------------------------- | F F F Naaa were out of bear claws.? I said, ?well in that case, in that case F F F F what do you have?? He said, ?all I?ve got right now is this box of one e | -24b\- | B | ------ | dozen starving crazed weasels.?G------ | I said, ?OK I?ll take that.? So he D | ------ | A | ------ | E | ------ | F B F hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they B F immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi F F F F yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin? me apart. You F FF know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin? B BB F FF B BB through my head. I believe it went a little something like this. F F F F B B B B F F F F B B B B F F F F B B B ?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh B F F F F B B B B F F hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran out onto the street with these flesh F F F F eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just F F runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck F F F F would have it, that?s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her F F name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite F F F F and hair the colour of strange peaches. I?ll never forget the very first F F F thing she said to me, she said, ?hey, you got weasels on your face.? F F That?s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we F F F F ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint- F F F flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and B F B we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and F F F Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful night Zelda said to me, she said, ?Sweetie | -pumpkin, do you want to join F F F F B B B F B the Columbia Record Club?? I said, ?Wooooah hold on now baby, I?m F B F just not ready for that kind of a commitment.? So we broke up and I never F F F F F Fm7 B Bm7 F saw her again but that?s just the way things go, . In A - F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! E | -16-16-16---16-16-16---16------16b16b17b17b17b18b18b-16-13----------- | B | -18-------18---18----18--18-18-18--------------------------16-------- | G | --------------------------------------------------------------14----- | D | -----------------------------------------------------------------15-- | A | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | --------------------------------------------------------------------- | E | ----------------------------------------20p18p16p11- | B | ----------------------------------18-16------------- | G | -17-15----18-18-18-16----1(b9)17---------------------- | D | ------17-------------16-------17-------------------- | A | ---------------------------------------------------- | E | ---------------------------------------------------- | F F Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week F F F F later I finally achieved my life | -long dream. That?s right I got me a part F F time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even made employee | -of-the | -month after I put F F out that grease | -fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me F F F F after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in F F F F the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when F F I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by F F himself. So I-I say to him , I say, ?hey, you want me to help you with F F F F that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to cut F F B F F F F off my arms and legs with a chain saw.? So I did. And then he gets all B B B B F F F F B B B B indignant on me, he?s like, ?hey mad I was just being sarcastic.? Well F F F that?s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I?m not a mind reader F F for crying out loud. Besides now he?s got a really cute nickname ?Torso E | -20-16-18-17-14-16---------------------------------------- | B | -------------------20-16-18-17-13-15---------------------- | F F G | -------------------------------------1(b9)15-17-17-13-15---- | Boy?. D | -------------------------------------------------------15- | So A | ---------------------------------------------------------- | E | ---------------------------------------------------------- | what?s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing F F F F anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn?t had F F a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I F F F F took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he?s yelling and screaming B and bleeding all over and I?m like, ?hey come on don?t you get it?? But he F F F B B F just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH! F B F F OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely missing the irony of the whole situation, F F F F F F man some people just can?t take a joke you know? Anyway, um? um? where was F F F F F F I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it?s F F a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I?m trying to F B F B make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That?s all I?m really trying to say, and by F B the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an F B F B exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the F B F pain and isolation of you?re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even B F take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this B F B F B crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there?s still a little place, called F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F Fm7 B Bm7 F B F B A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque, F B F B F Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B F B F B F B F F B B F F B B Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE! F F B B F F B B F F Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B B F F B B F F B B Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, F F B B F F B B F F Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, B B F Albuquerque, Albuquerque, E | -13-13-11-18-16-13-11-13-11/8-6-8-6-4-------1-1-1-1- | B | --------------------------------------1-----1-1-1-1- | G | ----------------------------------------3---2-2-2-2- | D | ------------------------------------------1/3-3-3-3- | (drum solo) A | --------------------------------------------3-3-3-3- | E | --------------------------------------------1-1-1-1- |