Bb (x1333x@1)                          FMy (133211@1)people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
               Bb (x1333x@1)                       F (133211@1)                     CYeah, (x32010@1)I've got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
          Bb (x1333x@1)              C (x32010@1)           Dm (xx0231@1)  C (x32010@1)        DmYeah (xx0231@1)they rang me up, said "Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
     C (x32010@1)                               Bb (x1333x@1)        FThey (133211@1)want you to sing a song, it'll be fine, fine, fine"
        Bb (x1333x@1)                          FBut (133211@1)the problem with my particular ?uvre,
        Bb (x1333x@1)                                 FIs (133211@1)that half my songs are five minutes and over.
        CAnd (x32010@1)the wisdom here at the BBC,
        CIs (x32010@1)that viewers switch off if you go past three,
      Bb (x1333x@1)                              FAnd (133211@1)a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
      Bb (x1333x@1)                      FWhich (133211@1)causes the viewers untold anguish,
               C (x32010@1)                         DmIt (xx0231@1)seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
    Bb (x1333x@1)           C (x32010@1)           FFor (133211@1)pussy puns on 'Are You Being Served?'.

FAnd (133211@1)so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
    CWithout (x32010@1)no bums or blasphemy in it,
  Dm (xx0231@1)                                            Bb (x1333x@1)             C (x32010@1)          FA (133211@1)lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
  FI (133211@1)need a song with a chorus and a verse,
     CWith (x32010@1)no nasty-ass cussin' and a-cursin',
          DmAnd (xx0231@1)I'm a little too lewd and a little too long,
           Bb (x1333x@1)          C (x32010@1)          FI've (133211@1)gotta find myself a three-minute song.

Bb (x1333x@1)                            FAnd (133211@1)they said, "Remember boy that music is like love-making
                   C (x32010@1)                           Dmit's (xx0231@1)simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
   Bb (x1333x@1)                         FRemember (133211@1)boy that music is like love-making,
                  CEverybody (x32010@1)loves a pianist, but length must have a limit 
       F (133211@1)           
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
    CWithout (x32010@1)no pornography or politics in it,
         DmYou're (xx0231@1)a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
             Bb (x1333x@1)                          C (x32010@1)          FYou've (133211@1)gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song".

FThree-hundred (133211@1)beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
     CWith (x32010@1)nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
DmSomething (xx0231@1)for the telly that never, ever fails,
   Bb (x1333x@1)                   C (x32010@1) FTo (133211@1)appease the viewers of BBC Wales.

Dm (xx0231@1)              Bb (x1333x@1)      FAnd (133211@1)even in the bridge I won't be lyrically adventurous,
     Bb (x1333x@1)        F (133211@1)             Cintellectually (x32010@1)unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
      Dm (xx0231@1)                               Bb (x1333x@1)           FAnd (133211@1)I won't make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
    C (x32010@1)                         C7For (x32310@1)China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
Bb (x1333x@1)                  FFor (133211@1)China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
  C (x32010@1)                         C7Vagina (x32310@1)is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
N.C.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two  Three  Fore-skin

FI (133211@1)need a little happy-clappy country song,
CNice (x32010@1)and repetitive and not too long,
DmBoring (xx0231@1)enough, but not too boring,
       Bb (x1333x@1)               C (x32010@1)        DWith (xx0232@1)a key change here to prevent me snoring.
  GI (320003@1)need a song that is only three minutes,
   DWithout (xx0232@1)no buggery or blasphemy in it,
EmSomething (022000@1)with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
      C (x32010@1)                        DWell, (xx0232@1)if you can't beat 'em, get conservative with 'em.

Instrumental break:
G- (320003@1)D- (xx0232@1)Em- (022000@1)C (x32010@1)name="chord_xx0232@1">D

GOh-oh, (320003@1)I need a song that causes no offense,
   DTo (xx0232@1)flog more tickets to my concerts,
       EmBy (022000@1)convincing the viewer that musical satire,
C (x32010@1)                     
Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge,
Em (022000@1)                   CYou've (x32010@1)got a telly and I want to be in it,
      D (xx0232@1)                                  GBut (320003@1)apparently you'll only watch for three minutes.
      C (x32010@1)                    D (xx0232@1)             GYeah, (320003@1)apparently you'll only watch for three
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