Intro: 
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Verse 1: 
        D5 
The old bastard lay sprawled on the nursin' home floor 
                                      G5 
He'd been wankin' and fell out of his chair. 
          A5 
And as he fell on his guts his calostomy bust 
                                   D5 
Splatterin' muck and guck and shit everywhere. 
       D5 
It was all up the wall on the matron and all 
                              G5 
It was caked on her apron and hair. 
       A5                        A5 
And as we ducked for cover that filthy old bugger 
     A5                              D5 
Just sat there with his cock in his hand. 
 
Verse 2: 
    D5 
Oh, couldn't been a worse day 'cause it was his birthday 
                                        G5 
With the rellies rally'd all 'round his bed. 
    A5 
Absolutely amazed that he'd actually made 
                                            D5 
Another birthday 'cause he should have been dead. 
              D5 
With all that fuckin' and fightin' that he'd done in his life 
                               G5 
He should have been hung years ago. 
       A5                      A5 
By any number of blokes who's missus he'd poked 
          A5                             D5 
With that monster he was strokin' there now. 

Refr?o -------------
    D5 
Oh, Grandad's got a stiffy 
                A5 
Grandad's got a bone. 
 
Somebody better get Nana in quick 
                     D5 
We promised her we'd phone. 
     D5 
He's O.D.d on viagra 
                           G5 
Call Grandmother up on the phone. 
A5 
Grandad's got a stiffy 
                D5 
Grandad's got a bone.
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Instrumental:  
D5  G5  A5  D5 
Verse 3: 
            D5 
But he just couldn't stop wankin' so we chucked on a blanket 
                               G5 
So the women and kids couldn't see. 
    A5 
His battered banana hangin' out his pajamas 
                                   D5 
And the come stain and shit on the sheets. 
         D5 
But that filthy old bastard sat cacklin' and laughin' 
                            G5 
Just wavin' his slug in the air. 
           A5                       A5 
And by the look in his eye, matron knew it was time 
     A5                        D5 
Everybody get the fuck out of here. 
 
Chorus: 
       D5 
'Cause Grandad's got a stiffy 
                A5 
Grandad's got a bone. 
 
Somebody better get Nana in quick 
                     D5 
We promised her we'd phone. 
     D5 
He's pullin' him self ta pieces 
                           G5 
Call Grandmother up on the phone. 
A5 
Grandad's got a stiffy 
                D5 
Grandad's got a bone. 

Refr?o -------------
    D5 
Oh, Grandad's got a stiffy 
                A5 
Grandad's got a bone. 
 
Somebody better get Nana in quick 
                     D5 
We promised her we'd phone. 
       D5 
'Cause Grandad's goin' ballistic 
                           G5 
Call Grandmother up on the phone. 
A5 
Grandad's got a stiffy 
                D5 
Grandad's got a bone. 
A5 
Grandad's got a stiffy 
                D5 
Grandad's got a bone.
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