E5 
Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the doorman 
E5 
And from that moment, you'll be out of place and underdressed 
    G5 
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it 
                             B5 
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and 
 

E5                                     D5 
Please leave all overcoats, canes, and top hats with the doorman 
              G5                         C5 
And from that moment, you'll be out of place and underdressed 
   A5                                  B5 
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it 
C5                             D5               Eb5 
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and 
 

E5 
When you're in black slacks with accentuating off-white pinstripes, whoa-oh 
C5          B5     A5   G5      E5 
Everything goes according to plan 
 

E5                  D5 
I'm the new cancer, never looked better 
G5                C5 
And you can't stand it 
                   C5                  B5 
I know because you say so under your breath 
                C5                   B5 
You're reading lips, "When did he get at all confident?" 
E5          D5          G5             C5 
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? 
C5            B5 
Never looked better 
    E5                     B5   C5  B5  C5   B5 
And you can't stand it 

(play along to the piano timing changes) 
 

 E5 
Next is a trip to the ladies room in vain 
G5 
I bet you just can't keep up with these fashionistas 
B5 
Tonight, tonight, you are, you are the whispering campaign 
B5 
To them , your name is "Cheap", and you look like sh-- 
E5                  D5 
Talk to the mirror, choke back tears 
       G5                         C5               C5 B5 A5 
And keep telling yourself that, "I'm a diva." 
 

A5                         B5                        C5 
Oh, and the smokes in that cigarette box at your table 
              D5     Eb5       C5  B5    C5           B5 
They just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin 
 
(Chorus) 
E5          D5           G5               C5 
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? 
  C5                B5              E5 
I've never looked better and you can't stand it 

Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? 

I've never looked better and you can't stand it 
      E5 
And I know, and I know 
         D5                        G5                         C5 
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up 
           C5              B5 
I've never been so surreptitious 
                             E5 
So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch 

(and repeat the chords) 
 
And I know, and I know 
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up 
I've never been so surreptitious 
So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch 
And I know, and I know 
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up 
I've never been so surreptitious 
So of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch