(intro F C F C F C Bb C7)

       F                         Dm
On the bleakest day autumn could muster
     Bb                            C
In a church to which they'll not return
          F                           Dm
I thought back to a time when I could trust her
     F               Bb          C
To a time when there wasn't John Byrne.
         Gm                           Bb
And in a cruel twist of fate which so often
  F                     C
Occurs in tales such as this
  F                       Dm
I found myself catering reception
               Bb               C
And there were urges I had to resist.
    F                             Dm
Not least 'cos John Byrne is much fitter
        F               Bb           C     C7
And the straightener to him holds no fears
          F                A7              Dm     Bb
So if the chocolate in the fountain tastes bitter
       F               C             F      (as intro)
It's because it's been laced with my tears.
    F                       Dm
Celebrations were well underway when
    Bb                        C
Her father prayed silence and spoke
              F                     Dm
He said "It's not like I'm losing a daughter as..."
Bb                     C
(Violently starting to choke).
         Gm                           Bb
And in a gesture which said "I'm fast fading
      F               C
Could somebody dial 999?"
   F                    Dm
He valiantly toasted my capers
       F             Bb             C
With a glass of what he thought was wine.
       F              Dm         Bb            C
It was gone half past ten before folk cottoned on
   F              A         Bb    (instr)
By which time I'd landed in Wick.
      F                         Dm
So if what's in the fondue's to die for
         F          Bb          C     C7
It's got nothing to do with the cheese
       F             A7              Dm     F
And if what's in the punchbowl seems lethal
       Bb             C           F
It's because it's two-thirds anti-freeze.