G5                    D5                   G5
Darts in soap operas, oh so wrong, oh so wrong
                            D5                            G5
No one's scoring and there's too much chat between easch throw
                              D5                          G5
Worse than this though is when cheers are raised for the bull
                                D5
Granted, bull's a double and an out but I know that they don't
A5         D5       A5   D5    A5      D5      D5
Know their boards; I propose no soap darts.
G5                    D5                       G5
Is your child hyperactive or is he perhaps a twat?
                          D5                         G5
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down on Fistral Beach
                        D5                       G5
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
                          D5
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow;
A5        D5     A5       D5   A5     D5      D5
Strive in vain, for they say few succeed.
G5                              D5
I wrote to the Horse and Hounds to gloat over whay I'd done
G5                      D5
I stored their magazine in a data retrieval system
G5
Well let's face it what're they going to do?
D5
It's not as if they know where I live
    G5                      D5
And anyway I cut the caper back in 1984
G5                  D5
Heartbroken Matrons on joyless beds
    G5                D5
For those whose souls the iron has entered
G5                            D5
And if I get to Heaven's gate I'll doubtless have to wait
G5                           D5
While St. Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk
    G5                            D5
The inside of a Halex Three Star table-tennis ball
G5                        D5               G5
Smells much like you'd expect it to.